This is the playbill for the satire:
Summary: This imaginary home financing narrative takes place in an alternate world called “Absurdistan.” Our story describes the devolution of the U.S. student loan system and how it is the "tail that wags the dog" of the U.S. Higher Education system. This story helps relate the hidden psychology of U.S. student loans called “availability bias,” hidden disclosures known as "sludge," and the many bizarre Absurdistinian loan program incentives. Our journey applies related Absurdistinian home loan rules to a pretend home-buying program—highlighting just how irrational the U.S. student loan system has become.
🎭 Cast of Characters & Their Real-World Counterparts
Main Institutional Players
🎭 The Bureau of Lucrative Statistics (BoLS) Plays the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS)🔹 A government agency in Absurdistan that produces glowing reports about how homeowners (students) are wealthy and successful—conveniently ignoring those who end up financially ruined.
🎭 The Department of Easy Money (DoEM) Plays the U.S. Department of Education (DoE)🔹 The grand financier of home (student) loans, offering limitless funding with no credit checks, no price controls, and no accountability. It fuels price inflation while pretending to “help” citizens.
🎭 The House Builders' Association (HBA) Plays U.S. Colleges & Universities🔹 The cunning developers who exploit the unlimited lending policies of the DoEM, charging ever-higher prices and justifying it with extravagant amenities like football stadiums, luxury dorms, and gourmet dining halls.
🎭 The Grand Neighborhood Prestige Rankings (GNPR) Plays U.S. News & World Report College Rankings🔹 A self-important publication that convinces homebuyers (students) that prestige is the key to success, further driving up prices for fancy (but often functionally identical) homes.
🎭 The League of Higher Home Values (LoHHV) Plays the Ivy League & Elite Private Colleges🔹 The most exclusive and expensive neighborhoods in Absurdistan. Homes here come with golden front doors but ultimately deliver the same quality foundation as many cheaper houses.
🎭 The Federation of Community Housing (FCH) Plays Community Colleges & Trade Schools🔹 A group of modest yet functional homebuilders offering affordable and practical housing. Often overlooked due to the relentless marketing of GNPR and LoHHV.
The Financial Villains & Enablers
🎭 The Absurdistinian Loan Bond Cartel (ALBC) Plays Student Loan Asset-Backed Securities (SLABs) & Wall Street Investors🔹 A shadowy group that profits from packaging and selling home (student) loans, ensuring that the lending cycle continues indefinitely, no matter the consequences.
🎭 The Mortgage Operations Bureau (MOB) Plays the U.S. Federal Student Loan Servicers🔹 Loan servicers who have little incentive to provide customer service but every reason to keep homeowners (borrowers) trapped in endless repayment cycles.
🎭 The Absurdistinian Treasury of Future Burdens (ATFB) Plays U.S. Taxpayers🔹 A group of unsuspecting citizens forced to subsidize the reckless lending practices of the DoEM, footing the bill when loans inevitably default.
🎭 The Committee for Eternal Indebtedness (CEI) Plays the U.S. Congress & Policy Makers Who Sustain the Broken System🔹 A group of well-dressed lawmakers and bureaucrats who perpetuate the cycle by refusing to acknowledge program failures, instead offering “solutions” that involve throwing more money into the fire.
🎭 Home builders football team coach - Slick Siban Plays college football coaches and college amenity leaders🔹 A group of well-intended football coaches and other amenity leaders, whose purpose is to attract students to the college via the entertainment their organizations provide.
The Absurdistinian Homeowners (aka Students & Families)
🎭 The Hopeful First-Time Homebuyer Plays First-Generation College Students & Families🔹 A bright-eyed, optimistic individual who is lured into purchasing a home (college degree) without fully understanding the long-term consequences.
🎭 The Regrettable Door Wanderer Plays the Student Loan Borrower Who Struggles to Repay Debt🔹 Someone who walked through one of the nine wrong doors, now buried under financial stress, stuck in a house they can’t afford but can’t escape.
🎭 The Neighborhood Apparel Enthusiasts Plays Parents & Alumni Obsessed with College Prestige🔹 Proud homeowners (parents & alumni) who sport neighborhood swag (college gear) to showcase their home’s (degree’s) perceived value—regardless of whether it was a good investment.
🎭 The Defaulting Homeowners Association (DHA) Plays Student Loan Defaulters & Those Seeking Loan Forgiveness🔹 A growing group of disillusioned homeowners who can no longer afford their payments and are now looking for relief—while the system relentlessly hounds them for payments.
Final Act: The Escape Plan
🎭 The Architects of Reform Plays Advocates for Higher Ed Change & Smarter Lending Policies🔹 A radical group pushing for new housing (education) models that prioritize affordability, return on investment, and smarter decision-making. Their bold proposals include dismantling the DoEM, reforming lending policies, and shifting funding toward practical homeownership (education) paths.
🎭 The Great Reimaginers Plays Higher Education Reimagined & Personal Finance Reimagined (PFR)🔹 A movement advocating for a new educational financing model, emphasizing skills, affordability, and real economic outcomes over debt-driven illusions.
Curtain Call & Audience Reflection
As the lights dim, the narrator steps forward and asks the audience:
"How long will Absurdistan continue before its homeowners (students) demand real change?"
Coming soon: "Higher Education Reimagined"—A Vision for Breaking the Absurdistan Cycle
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